Dancing Alone in a Pandemic
Is it Time for Your Divorce?
Until now, it's been possible to overlook your differences with your spouse in the groove of your routine. Daily life and distractions made living with your partner manageable. Work, sports, the gym, hanging out with friends, those were your retreat. Then came Covid-19, and the togetherness of quarantine is killing you. The constant togetherness is also a constant reminder: something isn't right. Arguments may flare, and your children may walk on eggshells; or perhaps you simply realize that the relationship slipped away, like the air out of a tire with a small, slow leak.
Either way, Covid-19 has taken your journey toward divorce out of the slow cooker and into the pressure cooker. Now what? If you work from home, you will need a home to work from. If you are out of work because of the virus, financial instability is a constant companion. Nothing is moving, and divorce, by its very nature, requires movement.
Now, as the economy takes its first tottering steps toward opening, you realize you don't want to go on this way; you don't want to go back to just living with it. Covic-19 has proven to you once again, that life is short. People you know got sick. Maybe someone you know even died from the virus. You wonder: if that were me, what would my legacy be? Would it be that I stayed in a sad and sinking marriage until the end?
You're not alone. There's a lot of evidence that the second wave of the pandemic may be a wave of divorces. There's also a lot of evidence that the forced quarantine has caused a sharp increase in domestic violence and child abuse. Because of the lockdown, the agencies, in some areas that usually investigate abuse cases, are short-staffed and under-resourced. If you are experiencing abuse, help is out there, but you may have to work a little harder to get it. Don't remain in an unsafe environment. Call the police, call the local domestic violence hotline or the victims' assistance office. There is financial support available through the federal Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) grant program as well as Temporary Assistance for Needy Families(TANF) that can help with cash support and food stamps.
If you are in recovery, don't let the pandemic cause a relapse. Participate in virtual meetings often and work your program.
If you are thinking about how an exit strategy, there are so many decisions to be made. If you are not experiencing violence in your relationship, please schedule a time with your spouse when the children are asleep and discuss the details. Make lists and set deadlines. Divide up tasks and hold one another accountable. Do the tasks you commit to do. It will be awkward and difficult. Do it anyway. To quote Glennon Doyle (whose books I wholeheartedly recommend), "We can do hard things."
Check out my other posts on Medium, @lorihellis, or my website at lorihellis.com for specific information on property, telling your children, and additional important information.
Lori Hellis is an experienced family lawyer. Her new book, Done, A Guide to Getting Divorced, is expected to be released next year. You can find her on the web at lorihellis.com.
