Divorce During a Pandemic? Welcome to the Fifth Circle of Hell
Please note that the recommendations contained in this article do not apply if you are in an abusive relationship or are the victim of domestic violence. Most courts are still hearing emergency matters, including restraining orders. Police are still responding to domestic violence calls. If you do not feel safe, contact law enforcement or your local court immediately for assistance.
It was early March. You told your spouse you wanted a divorce. Or your spouse told you it was over. You’re reeling, trying to process shock and grief, trying to make a lot of pressing decisions: who will move out of the house, how will we divide the expenses, how will we share time with the children?
Then BAM! Coronavirus!
Now, you’re quarantined together, and circling each other like strange cats – with backs arched and tails puffed up – and wondering how you will survive.
For the record, you will.
The question is, will it be manageable or will you find yourself in Dante’s Fifth Circle of Hell. In the Inferno, Dante describes the Fifth Circle of Hell as the circle of the wrathful and sullen. He tells of finding two types of people there on the banks of the River Styx: the wrathful, who squat on the bank of the river, covered in mud and biting each other, and the sullen, who are in the river, choking and sinking in the mire. It doesn’t sound like fun.
How can you avoid the next few weeks feeling like that hell? First, take a moment for a quick chat with your soon-to-be-ex-. Set aside how angry or anxious or disappointed you are for ten minutes and talk about the logistics of quarantine survival. (And yes, I expect it will be uncomfortable.) Come to some agreements, compromising if necessary, then stick to them. Here are a few ideas.
Space helps. Think of those strange cats again. Strange cats give each other plenty of territory. If you can, make space where each of you can feel comfortable, then don’t invade your spouse’s space without an invitation. For the moment, that portion of the house no longer belongs to you. Don’t be a territorial or passive-aggressive asshole, and do the human equivalent of pissing on the doorframe. Don’t knock on the door to retrieve your toothbrush or the book you’ve never looked at but suddenly need right now.
Agree on a routine, and stick to it. If either or both of you are working from home, respect one another’s space and work time.
Agree on jobs. Negotiate who will be responsible for which household chores, including helping the children with school.
Do your chores. Do the chores you agreed to, without bitching and without someone having to nag you.
Find a way to get outside. Take a walk, shoot some hoops with the kids, do some gardening, go for a bike ride.
Schedule regular meetings with your spouse. You will need to have continuing conversations about finances and household operations. Settle on a meeting time and make a list of things you want to talk about. Stick to the list and commit to not allowing the discussion dissolve into an argument. This is your opportunity to start building a new kind of business-like relationship built on trust and respect. And for the record, it’s hard. Do it anyway.
Take a timeout. There is no way to avoid it; emotions will escalate. When they do, take a timeout. Take a walk, retreat to your space, call a friend. Put on some music and dance, play a video game with the kids, meditate, do some yoga, breathe.
Try something new. But not Tinder, Bumble, or Match. The quarantine will end, then you can get up to anything you want, but as long as you are sharing a home with your soon-to-be-ex and your children, it’s disrespectful.
Remember your children are watching. Your kids are observing and learning from the way you cope with this time in quarantine. They are learning volumes about how adults deal with conflict. Give them good role models, and for their sake, be gentle with their other parent.
Compile documents. Now is a good time to start collecting the financial documents you will need. Putting them together and organizing them will save you time and money when you need them for your attorney or mediator. You will need three years of income taxes, year-to-date income for both partners, bank and credit card statements for the past year, current utility bills, current statements for all investment and retirement accounts, social security statements, a credit report for each partner, and insurance policies and current statements. If either partner owns a business, you will also need to produce articles of incorporation and bylaws, a roster of the corporate officers, the past three years of income and expense ledgers, annual profit and loss statements, a year of monthly bank and credit card statements and a current list of business equipment and inventory.
Plan for the future. Eventually, the quarantine will lift, and you and your partner will move forward with your lives. Now is a good time to think about what your future will look like. Will you move, go back to school, refinance your home? If you plan for one spouse to keep the home and refinances for cash to pay the other spouse, interest rates are low and it’s an excellent time to refinance. You won’t want to miss the opportunity, and many home loans can be processed remotely.
Humans instinctively strive for control over our environment and circumstances. We feel anxious and angry when things are out of our control, and divorce is the ultimate uncertainty. Layer on a pandemic and you have every reason to be wrathful and sullen. Making mindful decisions now about how you and your future ex-spouse will rise to this challenge will keep you out of that fifth circle of hell now and help you build a better and more respectful relationship that will serve you as former spouses and co-parents.
It’s going to be hard, but to quote author Glennon Doyle (whose books I highly recommend), “we can do hard things.” Now go get some sun on your face, hug your kids and pets, wear your mask, and wash your damn hands, because you can do this.
Lori Hellis has been an attorney for the past 27 years. Her new book, Done, A Veteran Attorney’s No-Nonsense Rules for Getting Divorced, is expected to be published in 2021. She can be found at lorihellis.com.
