What About My Stuff?
Dividing Personal Property During a Divorce
This article is about dividing personal property. It does not cover the division of real estate.
Like most Americans, you've spent a lot of time acquiring stuff. There's the high school letterman's jacket you got for lettering in band, your grandmother's bedroom set, the faded dish towels, and the cup your kids made for you for Christmas. Now that you're getting divorced, how do you divide the stuff?
Losing someone makes us want to hold on to things a little tighter. Things that were just things a year ago suddenly become imbued with so much significance! Psychologists tell us the compulsive desire to hoard stuff is nearly always triggered by loss and grief. Remember that, when you and your future ex are arguing over the blue crystal bowl.
While you may think arguing over a blue crystal bowl is silly, the story is true. I once represented a client who received a blue crystal salad bowl as a wedding gift from his sister. My client saw the bowl as emblematic. His family had blessed the marriage and supported the couple; when the wife chose to leave the marriage after a few years, my client wanted to observe the ceremony of returning the bowl to his sister. The wife, on the other hand, just liked the bowl. These people, who could probably have resolved most of their disagreements, ended up in court over the blue crystal bowl. In the end, the judge awarded the wife the blue crystal bowl. The cost? $15,000 in legal fees, which the judge ordered my client to pay most of because he could better afford it. Allow me a brief tangent here; while some lawyers are only in it for the money, most would rather see their clients resolve their cases in a reasonable, cost-effective way. In this case, both lawyers advised and encouraged their clients to compromise. The opposing attorney advised his client to give up the bowl because, for the husband, it was an issue of principle. Of course, the more important the bowl became to my client, the more reason the wife found to hold out. The bowl was symbolic of the push-pull for power that had defined their marriage.
Over the years, I had clients argue over steak knives, an antique farmhouse stove, and even a pair of Jimmy Choos. I've seen husbands who accepted minimal parenting time with their children but absolutely had to have the 60-inch television with the surround sound system, and the wives who refused to share the family photographs. Over the years, I've developed some guidelines for dividing the stuff.
1. It's only stuff. It's not your right arm.
2. It's not worth as much as you think. Judges value your stuff at what it would sell for at a garage sale. Your ten-year-old television is not worth the thousands you paid for it.
3. Make a list of everything you want. Start with the most important things, like family heirlooms. Grandma's rocker, Grandpa's tools, Dad's shotgun, Mom's christening gown that three generations have worn. Work your way down to the less important stuff. Go room by room and make sure you have everything on your list.
4. If you have children, their furniture is not yours. It should remain with the children in their primary residence. It's about making the children feel comfortable and safe, not about equity. Also, it's just shitty to demand credit for the washer and dryer from the spouse who has the children most of the time.
5. Share the damn family photos, including the scrapbooks and albums. After all, they're your spouse's memories too. With current technology, copying and sharing are easy and inexpensive. If you're not up to doing it yourself, have it done professionally and split the cost.
6. If it was a gift, it belongs to the recipient. No takes back. If you gave her Jimmy Choos for her birthday, or you bought him a motorcycle for your anniversary, you can't count it in the inventory. That includes your engagement and wedding rings. Although it's a very old-fashioned way of looking at things, the law looks at engagement and wedding rings in a transactional way. The rings are the token or payment for the commitment to marry. Each spouse keeps their rings.
7. There are two ways to divide the property. Some people make lists, figure out value, and balance the list to the penny. Others find that too complicated, and simply agree to a division that makes sense, and takes into account each partner's wishes and emotional attachment. The one place that doesn't apply is with vehicles.
8. If the property has a title, including cars, trucks, trailers, boats, RVs, jet skis, snowmobiles, motorcycles, and more, there should be a valuation guide for it. The value for divorce purposes is the current value less anything that might be owing on it.
9. The law says pets are property. Shocking, I know, but let's remember there was a time when children were also considered property. Before you use the children or the pets has bargaining chips, it may be time to spend a dark-night-of-the-soul or two examining your true intentions. If you have children who are deeply attached to the pet, it's a no-brainer; Fluffy goes with the kids. If the pet is a service or emotional support animal, it goes with the person it supports. Some couples share their pets and pets that go with the children when they switch between households. Whatever you decide, put the needs of children and pets first.
10. Don't fight over the dishtowels. Expect that you will have to buy some things for your new life: mops, brooms, cleaning supplies, trash cans and the like. A wise friend of mine told me you should always buy a new broom when you move into a new home because you don't want to take old dirt to your new life.
Lori Hellis has been a practicing family and criminal defense attorney for the past 27 years. Her new book, Done, A Veteran Attorney's No-Nonsense Rules for Getting Divorced, is expected to be published in 2021. She can be found at lorihellis.com.
